


Repression

by iXombeh



Category: DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-11-21
Packaged: 2018-03-05 00:52:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3098897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iXombeh/pseuds/iXombeh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mental process by which distressing thoughts, memories, or impulses that may give rise to anxiety are excluded from consciousness and left to operate in the unconscious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am the happiest man alive.

I am the happiest man alive. I live in a big fancy apartment, I have a high paying job at a multimillion dollar company, and I have a husband who loves me while making me feel like I'm the most important person in the world. I live in Germany with this amazing man and am still able to make as many trips as I want back to Japan to see my grandmother and friends. I have my best friend with me along with the happiest most upbeat bunny themed cubes one will ever see.

 

I am the happiest man alive.

 

I am so happy.

 

Happy.

 

That's what I should be right?

 

I should be the happiest man alive. Yet, I can't help but feel as though there is a dark cloud everywhere I go. I'm sure people can see it; the way they look at me shows it.

 

I can't remember when my smiles started to hurt me. I can't remember when tears started to prick at my eyes right before I went to sleep. I can't remember when I wanted to start screaming when I was home alone. I can't remember when it started being difficult to hold long conversations.

 

No matter how close he is to me at night, I still feel hollow inside. I'm sure he can feel when I start to shake, I'm sure he hears my quiet sobs, I'm sure he notices that my breathing becomes uneven. Eventually I start to become tired and sleep temporarily replaces sadness.

 

I don't remember when I stopped having dreams.

 

Every time I wake up he's gone, and on his pillow I always find a note.

 

_'I didn't want to wake you up. You're so cute when you sleep. I'm going to work early. I love you, Aoba. See you later.'_

 

I feel like I'm supposed to smile and feel warmth in my heart, but I only feel the urge to cry as my throat constricts like it's trying to suffocate me.

 

He leaves for work early everyday. I've stopped seeing him at work since he switched to another building further downtown.

 

I'm usually in bed by the time he comes home. When I'm asleep, I forget how broken I feel. I no longer feel the dark nagging feeling around the edges of my heart. I feel nothing.

 

I wake up. Read the note. Try to steel myself while resisting the tears building behind my eyes and fail. Go to work. Come home and go back to bed waiting for him to come back home before falling asleep.

 

He always has to work on the weekends. The only ones who keep me company when he's gone are the hyperactive bunny cubes and my best friend.

 

* * *

 

“Aoba,” the deep automated voice next to me speaks up. “How are you feeling?”

 

“I'm fine, Ren.”

 

“You look like you have been neglecting your health and it would be in your best interest to seek medical attention.”

 

“Does that really seem necessary? I feel fine.”

 

_Even if you feel physically fine, I can say for sure that your mental stability jumped over board quite some time ago._

 

“What?” I look at Ren confused.

 

“Your physical health does not appear to be in good condition. You may want to look into seeing a doctor.”

 

“But… is that really what you said?”

 

Ren tilts his head slightly to the side. “Yes.”

 

“I thought maybe you said something else...”

 

“Like?”

 

“Something about my mental health?”

 

There was a long pause. I stare at Ren hard. Is it lag?

 

“I believe the lack of nutrition and sleep is making you slightly delusional. I would definitely recommend that you see a doctor at your earliest convenience.

 

“Actually, I was going to wait for Noiz to get home from work.”

 

_Wait for him and you'll never go._

 

“What?”

 

“I have not said anything.”

 

* * *

 

“Thank you,” I sigh as I hang up the phone. “I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon.”

 

“It's for the best,” Ren says.

 

“I wonder if Noiz is free right now,” I say as I start dialing his cell number.

 

“Maybe now is not the time to bother him.”

 

I press connect and wait. Immediately I get sent to voicemail. I hang up trying not to sound disappointed. “Well, it can wait. I'll just tell him when he comes home.”

 

_You're better off keeping it to yourself._

 

* * *

 

It's three in the morning and I'm laying in bed curled in on myself. My eyes sting from all the tears. My jaw is sore from clenching my teeth. My arms hurt from driving my nails into them. My throat is sore from trying to keep my voice down, with the occasional whines that slipped out. I'm shaking and sniffling.

 

“...Noiz...” My voice is broken as I silently call out in the empty room. “Please hurry home... please... I don't … I … I don't want to... be alone...”

 

I can feel the aching in my throat signaling I'm about to cry for the second time, but I suppress it.

 

“I can't... Why aren't you... ” my voice cracks. I break out in a cold sweat. I feel sick. I can't find the strength to sit up, so I just lean over the edge of the bed.

 

It burns my throat as I throw up. Tears well up in my eyes and spill over. My head throbs; it feels as though my skull is cracking.

 

_You're going to die._

 

_* * *_

 

I sat in the waiting room quietly, petting Ren as he lays in my lap.

 

I couldn't fall asleep. Noiz never came back home. I left him a voicemail that I was going to the doctor's office.

 

I felt disgusting.

 

I didn't shower after being sick, I just wiped my face and rinsed the ends of my hair. I have the same clothes on as yesterday, and the contents of my stomach was still on the floor at home. Every time I thought about having to do anything a sob would find it's way out of my mouth and I proceeded to do nothing.

 

I sent a text to Noiz. I just wanted to talk to him.

 

My phone beeps less than a minute later.

 

[ **Message failed to send.** ]

 

I let out a puff of air.

 

>[ **Resend** ] [ **Cancel** ]

 

Again my phone beeps.

 

[ **Message failed to send.** ]

 

After a couple more attempts, and receiving the same message, I put my phone away.

 

“He must have his phone off,” I mumbled.

 

I look at the clock hanging above the receptionist desk. My mind is blank as I stare at the second hand as it slowly makes it's way past 12 a few times.

 

Tick. Tick. Tick. I stand up.

 

_Just when was the last time you actually saw him?_

 

Tick. Tick. Tick. I start up my car.

 

_Can you actually remember what his face looks like?_

 

Tick. Tick. Tick. There are car horns somewhere behind me as I drive.

 

_Can you actually remember what his voice sounds like?_

 

Tick. Tick. Tick. I turn off my car.

 

_How much of him do you still remember?_

 

Tick. Tick. Tick. I'm asking a woman if I can see him.

 

_Why do you always get the same note everyday?_

 

Tick. Tick. Tick. She tells me he doesn't work here.

 

_Why doesn't he ever answer the phone?_

 

Tick. Tick. Tick. Yes he does work here. I need to see him.

 

_Why don't you get to see him?_

 

Tick. Tick. Tick. She keeps telling me he doesn't work here.

 

_Why is he always gone?_

 

Tick. Tick. Tick. I demand to speak to him.

 

_Why is he always gone?_

 

Tick Tick Tick. Ren says he'll take me to him.

 

_Why is he always gone?_

 

Tick Tick Tick. I'm following directions. I'm hurrying. My heart is racing.

 

_Why is he always gone?_

 

Tick Tick Tick. I'm running after Ren.

 

_Why is he always gone?_

 

Ren stops.

 

_Why is he always... oh._

 

Everything seems to disappear. The sounds around me. The aching feeling in my chest. The tears. My breathing. The pain. Gone. My mind is blank. I feel light headed. I almost feel like I'm dreaming.

 

I don't understand. This can't be right. What happened?

 

Somewhere I can hear tires screeching and horns blaring, glass shattering and metal bending, shouts and sirens.

 

Everything rushes back at me with such a force it knocks me to my knees. I drag my breath in harshly like I just surfaced from underwater; but instead of exhaling I keep taking in shorter breaths like there are holes in my lungs and I'm not getting oxygen at all. The tears flow constantly and no matter how many times I wipe my eyes my vision stays blurred.

 

I forgot... How long ago did I forget? This whole time he's been here, and I didn't even remember. This whole time I've been slowly losing my mind and he was here. I've been wanting to see him, to talk to him, to feel him next to me, and he's been right here.

 

With a trembling hand I run my fingers across his name on the cold stone. My hand falls limp at my side. My heart is beating rapidly. I try to say I'm sorry, but my voice won't come out; it's just the sound of me hyperventilating. I can't think straight. I'm lost.

 

I slowly lay down on the ground. This is the closest I'll ever get to be to him ever again. I shut my eyes and think to myself:

 

_Here lies the greatest man I ever knew._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wish everything we did that day, we had done a little longer.

That morning I woke up the same as usual. My lover in my arms. Beautiful blue hair framing his pale face. I brushed his bangs off his face to lightly kiss his forehead. I loved it.

 

If I hadn't had work to finish up from the night before, I would've stayed in bed a bit longer. If I had known what was going to happen that day, I wouldn't have moved at all.

 

With a sigh I got up and quietly started getting ready for work. Every now and again I would glance at him. Still wondering how I got so lucky. Never in a million years would I have thought someone as amazing as him would make their way into my life.

 

As I finished fixing my tie I grabbed a piece of paper and quickly wrote:

 

_'I didn't want to wake you up. You're so cute when you sleep. I'm going to work early. I love you, Aoba. See you later.'_

 

I placed the note on the pillow next to him and turned to leave.

 

\- - -

 

It was a little after noon when I saw him at work. He walked towards me after he finished talking with someone.

 

“Hey,” he smiled awkwardly at me. I loved it. “German is really intimidating... I felt bad making her repeat things.”

 

“At least you're trying. Just keep at it.” I ran my hand through his bangs.

 

“I will,” he sighed. “Finish your left over work from last night?”

 

“Yeah, but there's still stuff from today that's really piling up.”

 

“Well, I'm sure you can do it,” he said without hesitation.

 

He looked around and down the hall. He put one hand to my chest and kissed me lightly. “You're doing good.” He smiled again. God, I loved it.

 

\- - -

 

“Hey, are you almost done?” he asked after coming into my office later that day.

 

“Maybe. I'd rather just leave the rest for tomorrow though.” I shook my head and leaned back in my chair.

 

“You shouldn't keep putting things off like that. That's why things get piled up.” he groaned. He leaned over my desk and looked at my computer monitor. “How long do you think it'll take?”

 

“Could just be another twenty maybe thirty minutes.”

 

“That's not too bad. Just power through it,” he tapped the monitor. He walked to the couch by the door and flopped down. “I'll stay here until you finish.”

 

“Don't you think you're a bit distracting though?”

 

“Hey, don't get any weird ideas,” he waved me off. “Focus on your work.”

 

I stood up and made my way over to him sitting next to him.

 

“...what?” He eyed me suspiciously. I leaned toward him. “H-hey... you should be working.”

 

I grabbed his chin lightly. Something between my eyes stung.

 

“Ouch,” I pulled back. He flicked me. “Why?”

 

“Go finish your work, then we can do whatever,” he huffed.

 

“Hmm? Whatever?”

 

“Shut up and go.” He rolled his eyes.

 

I poked him in the side, and continued to do so as he tried to squirm away. He was lying beneath me laughing. I loved it.

 

\- - -

 

I let out a sigh as I finished, powering down the computer. I looked over to him resting on the couch. Making my way over I stared down at him and poked him between the eyes.

 

“...Hmm?” he cracked one eye open. “Done?”

 

“Yeah. Ready to go home?”

 

“Very,” he yawned and grabbed my hand. “Do you think I could catch a ride with you? I'll get my car tomorrow.”

 

“Sure.”

 

I climbed on top of him straddling his hips. I ran my hands over his chest stopping to feel his heart beat. I wish I had stayed like that longer.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“You said when I finish we could do 'whatever'.” I grinned trailing one hand up to the rubber band keeping his hair back and gently pulling it out. I ran my fingers through the blue strands.

 

“Yeah but... isn't this an awkward place to do that sort of thing?” he gripped my tie pulling me closer.

 

“There's hardly anyone here,” I said shifting slightly.

 

He bit his lip looking me up and down, and then away.

 

“Just... make sure the door is locked, okay?”

 

I planted a kiss on both his cheeks before I got up. A small smile graced his features. I loved it. I wish I had stared a little longer.

 

\- - -

 

“I'm tired...” I told him while my head rested on his chest. I wish I had listened to his heart beat a little longer.

 

“Me too. We should probably go home. It's really late.” His fingers lightly ran through my hair.

 

“We could just stay the night here,” I sort of joked. But I wish that we had.

 

“What? No. That doesn't sound pleasant at all.” He let out a sigh and tried to squirm out from under me. I tried to hold him there, but when he started tickling my sides it was me who moved away. It was only a few seconds before he was on top of me pinching at my sides.

 

“Ha! M-mercy! Aoba-”

 

Suddenly he stopped and kissed my forehead.

 

“Hurry and put your clothes on loser.” He got up and searched for his clothing; found around the desk. Getting dressed neither of us put much effort into looking presentable. He looked at his reflection in the window. “We definitely look like we've been up to no good.”

 

I chuckled quietly. “Want to get something to eat?”

 

He shook his head. “I'd rather just go home.”

 

I wish we hadn't of.

 

\- - -

 

“Buckle up,” I said as I started the car. “So how was work for you?” I asked him (it's become a habit of mine to ask about his day). I pulled out of the parking garage and started for home.

 

“It was alright. I had a few issues with communication though... I couldn't remember some words, and there were also new ones I've never heard. I tried to use my coil to help fill in some parts I couldn't myself.” He let out a heavy sigh. “It was a little embarrassing.”

 

It was quiet for a little bit. I was trying to think of something to say to him. There were definitely times it was obvious that he was struggling, but you could also tell he was trying his best.

 

“Just give it some more time. Learning a language is hard. So is assimilating to a new culture. Don't worry about it. You're doing good so far.”

 

“I still can't help feeling sort of... I don't know... useless?” He slouched a bit in the seat.

 

“You're definitely not useless.” I said without hesitation. “I promise you. And if things get too overwhelming, don't worry, I'll be right here for you.”

 

He was quiet for a while. I was worried he might still be a little down.

 

“...I love you, Noiz.”

 

“I love you too, Aoba.” I said smiling. “... I'm grateful you're here with me.”

 

“...yeah. I'm glad to be here.” I didn't have to look at him to know he was getting flustered. Quickly he changed the subject to things he wanted to do once he went back to Japan to visit. I glanced at him every so often to see him smiling while he animatedly talked about hanging out with his hot-tempered rib friend, and seeing his grandmother. He mentioned that a festival was coming up and he wanted me to go with him.

 

He was still talking when I looked over at him again.

 

My heart stopped.

 

I didn't have enough time to react.

 

I didn't have enough time to reach for his hand.

 

I didn't have enough time to do anything but feel my heart shatter to pieces and drop to my stomach.

 

It happened so fast, but I saw everything go by slowly.

 

He was looking at me. He saw the terror in my eyes. He never got to turn his head all the way to look out the window. Bright lights. Screeching tires. The sound of metal being crushed and glass breaking.

 

The other car smashed right into the passenger side of mine.

 

I wish everything we did that day, we had done a little longer.


	3. Chapter 3

I blinked a few times, everything was blurry. I could hear shouting, but it sounded so far away. There was pain pulsing all throughout my head. For a few moments I didn't know where I was. I was looking up at the sky. I was lying down on something. It was moving. There were people moving me. I looked to the side. The front of a car was smashed in. Why? A switch flicked in my brain.

 

“...Aoba...”

 

“Sir, what is your name?” A woman leaned over me trying to get my attention.

 

“Where's Aoba?” I started to panic. The last few moments of consciousness before I blacked out started coming back together.

 

“Sir, I'm going to need you to calm down.”

 

I tried sitting up, but what felt like fire flared through my torso. I gasped. But that made it hurt almost just as much. I felt tears burn my eyes, but I did my best to keep them back.

 

“Please stay still.”

 

“Where is Aoba?” My voice was almost a whisper.

 

“The man who was in the car with you is on his way to the hospital.”

 

I tried to ask if he was ok, but breathing was extremely difficult and I could hardly get the words out. A few people lifted me into the back of an ambulance. Being in the back of the vehicle made me feel anxious. I tried to keep my breathing even, but every time I inhaled it felt like I was being crushed. I could feel the pulse of my heart in the pain in my ribs and all around inside my skull.

 

Another person who was in the back with me pressed something firmly to the side of my head and held it there.

 

“Can you hear me?”

 

“...Yeah.”

 

“Do you have any allergies to any medications?”

 

“...No. I don't think so.”

 

“How is your vision? How many fingers do you see?”

 

I looked at the hand hovering above my face.

 

“... I know it's three... but it's definitely distorted. What happened...” I winced as I kept trying to talk. “How's Aoba? What...”

 

“We need you to relax.”

 

“I need to know what happened to Aoba.”

 

“Please do not worry.”

 

“I'm going... to fucking worry.” I swallowed a lump that formed in my throat. The worst thought crept into my mind making my blood run cold. Though it hurt, I drew in a shaky breath. “Is... is he dead?”

 

“He wasn't dead when they loaded him into the ambulance. They are taking him to the hospital. Stay calm.”

 

“He... doesn't speak German very well...”

 

“It will be fine. Even if he didn't know any German, the doctors would still be able to help him.” He looked at a monitor sitting next to him. When had they hooked me up to that? “How's the pain?”

 

I noticed that while things still hurt, they didn't hurt as bad as they did when I first woke up.

 

“It's... not as bad.”

 

“We gave you some morphine to help ease the pain a little bit before we get to the hospital.” He leaned over and stared at a spot on my head. “You hit your head pretty hard. So, tell me about your friend.”

 

“...He's my fiancee.”

 

“That's cool. What's he like?”

 

“Is there a point... to these questions?”

 

“Just trying to keep you awake because you more than likely have a concussion.”

 

I was quiet for a few moments and just sort of stared at him. But, since I was starting to feel tired again, and I didn't mind talking about Aoba...

 

“He's... really unique. He helped me...”

 

“What else?”

 

“He's...”

 

\- - -

 

Everything is moving quickly and it's making my head spin. I just lay still. Staring at the lights as they pass by over head. I'm wheeled into a room with a doctor waiting in it. The paramedics transfer me onto the hospital bed the one I met in the back still pressing the gauze firmly against the side of my head.. I just lay there.

 

The throbbing in my head gets stronger from being moved around. I turn my head to look at the doctor wheel over a metal tray. The paramedic removes the gauze. The doctor puts something cold and wet over the spot and I flinch away when I feel the sting.

 

“Please try to stay still,” she says as she wipes at the spot again. I see all the blood when she pulls the cloth away. “How are you with needles?”

 

“They don't bother me,” I say. Having something else on my mind I ask the paramedic what happened.

 

“From what we saw, it looked like when the man in the other car hit your passenger side, the force must have pushed the car into the wall by the driver side, your head must have hit the window when it broke.”

 

“...Where's Aoba?” I almost whisper.

 

“I don't know about him. He's probably with another doctor.” The paramedic lightly pats my arm. I don't really notice the needle piercing my skin as the gash in my head is sealed. I try to focus on my breathing, but it's uneven. I can't take deep breaths without pain so they're short and shallow, which doesn't help me calm down; for all I know he could be dead.

 

It feels like it takes forever, but soon, she's finished stitching. I do my best to sit up, the pain in my ribs trying to restrain me.

 

“Sir, please lay back down. We don't know the full extent of your injuries and it might be dangerous to move around too much.”

 

I ignore her. I need to find Aoba. I swing my legs over the bed and stand up. I sway and slightly stumble as I try to walk towards the door. The paramedic stands in front of me and puts his hands lightly on my shoulders.

 

“Sir, even if you go and find him, chances are he is in emergency surgery right now. You wouldn't be able to get into the room. You need to lay back down. I understand you're worried, but there isn't anything you can do right now.”

 

I feel my heart drop. Nothing... I can't do anything. I sit back on the bed slowly.

 

This is all my fault. I wasn't paying enough attention. He could be dead... and it would be all my fault

 

\- - -

 

“Your x-rays don't show any signs of internal bleeding. However your ribs are bruised and you have a few micro fractures, so you'll feel some discomfort with your breathing for a while. Also, we're going to have to ask you to stay awake for some time as you have suffered a concussion.”

 

I swallow hard. The doctor's words start to muddle into gibberish as my thoughts drift elsewhere. I want to see him. I need to make sure he's still alive.

 

“Sir?” The doctor puts her hand on my shoulder. I just let out a long sigh. “Listen, I know you must be worried about your friend. I promise, as soon as he's out of intensive care we'll let you know what's going on.”

 

“...Is he even alive?”

 

She's quiet for some time. The longer she waits the more upset I begin to feel.

 

“I don't know.”

 

“Isn't that your job to know?” I snap.

 

“Sir, it is not my responsibility to tell you what condition he is currently in.”

 

I just feel worse.

 

“Where the hell is the guy who hit us?” I get up from the bed and stagger towards the door.

 

“Sir get back on the bed.”

 

“No.” I lean on the wall to walk down the hall.

 

“Sir he's not here.”

 

“Like you would know right?” I'm close to shouting. The way I'm acting is strange to me. I haven't expressed this much anger since I was a child.

 

“Sir get back into your bed, now. You getting upset is not going to help your friend.”

 

A strange feeling burns and stings my eyes. I'm so frustrated. Aoba isn't here to calm me down. I don't know how to cool down. I turn and throw my fist as hard as I can into the wall. I don't mean to yell... I'm not trying to freak out... I just can't help it.

 

“I NEED HIM.” I pull my fist back out the wall and punch it again creating another hole. I can already tell I've broken something in my hand. I pull my bleeding hand out of the wall and let it drop to my side. I turn and lean my back to the wall sliding to the floor. I haven't done this since I was a child either... I'm crying... It feels so strange. I've forgotten the feeling. My throat feels like it's closing up and my eyes burn. My voice cracks,“I _need_ him...”

 

“If it helps... I will go ask the front desk in the E.R about your friend. But I need you to come back to your room. Then you need to stay there. I know you're worried, but as your doctor I need to put your care first.”

 

I look up at the doctor. I've suddenly lost my energy to argue. I get up and follow her back to the room.

 

\- - -

 

Familiar feelings of confusion and dejection flare up; things I haven't felt since before I left Germany. Objects start forming around me out of nothing and I slowly begin to notice I'm back in my childhood room. It's dark, and all the furnishing is blurry and sways like it's almost a liquid. I sweep my hand through what I think used to be a couch. There are faint ripples in the shape but almost immediately it goes back to gently swaying back and forth. I catch a glimpse of my hand. I bring it up to my face and see what looks like a burn... like someone had branded me.

 

_Monster._

 

Did this happen from the couch? This wasn't always here... Why can't I feel it? This looks like something that would hurt. I touch it, but it feels like I have thick rubber covering my nerves. This can't be happening. This isn't right. I can feel things now. I can.

 

I feel myself shaking. I turn and head for another ghost like piece of furniture. I pass my forearm through a possible table. I notice I hear sizzling. I pull away from it.

 

_Disgusting._

 

I turn around and see a door. The only thing that looks normal. I stare at it for a moment. I'd use to spend hours watching it. Waiting for it to open. It never did. I never cared for the things around me. I had always just wanted to leave.

 

That would explain the strange furniture. I couldn't really remember it. But the door was just like a photo. Scuff marks from my shoes. Small dents and cracks from the kicking, hitting, and throwing.

 

I wanted to open it, but someone else was already there. I wanted to say his name, but I couldn't manage to speak.

 

He looks frantic and runs to me, wrapping his arms around my waist tightly.

 

“Noiz what are you doing in here?” Aoba's crying. I pet his head lightly.“I've been looking all over for you. I was so worried. I thought you were dead...”

 

I pause for a moment. He must have noticed how confused I looked.

 

“The car accident.”

 

I still have no idea what he's talking about.

 

“We were on our way home. Someone hit us on the side...”

 

He looks up at me and my blood runs cold. What?

 

“You weren't being careful... You fucked up.”

 

I feel a faint throbbing pain in my branded arm.

 

“How could you do this to me?” He asks.

 

The scene flashes quickly to the inside of my car. I'm looking out the passenger window and see a set of head lights belonging to a large truck. Everything turns black and I hear a loud crash. I open my eyes to find I'm back in my old room laying on the floor. My vision is hazy and it hurts to move. I look around. Aoba's laying on the floor in a bloody mess. I crawl over to him. I try to call to him, but I can't.

 

“How... could you do this this to me...?” As he speaks blood drips from his mouth. His eyes aren't focused. His hand grabs my arm and a burning sensation spreads from the spot. I grit my teeth. I look at it. Words form from the burns.

 

_Failure. Mistake. Useless. Freak. Worthless._

 

Aoba's words pull my attention back to him.

 

“This is your fault.”

 

I want to say I'm sorry... but I can't.

 

“Why did you let this happen?” He's almost speaking at a whisper. He tugs on my arm to pull me a little closer. His gaze shifts from the ceiling to me.

 

“... I thought you loved me.”

 

It feels as though hot iron was pushed straight through my heart.

 


	4. Chapter 4

When I open my eyes it's dark and the heart rate monitor is beeping rapidly. I bring my arms up to examine them. No markings. I cringe as I take a deep breath. My ribs and my head hurt. I lay still for a few moments. I almost forgot why I was in the hospital. I sit up slowly. Memories of my dream seeping to the front of my brain.

 

“I do love you...” I feel tears sting the back of my eyes. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry...”

 

I sit and stare at the wall for some time before someone walks in.

 

“Hello. I'm your doctor from yesterday. How are you feeling this morning?”

 

“Fine. Where's Aoba.”

 

“Let's get your vitals before hand. How would you rate your pain one through ten? One being fine and ten being the worse pain you've ever felt.”

 

I exhale heavily through my nose.

 

\- - -

 

“Well... as long as you promise you won't do any lifting, running, or sudden movements...”

 

“I can promise you I won't be doing any of those things.”

 

She lets out a small chuckle and pulls an IV pole out of the corner and transfers the bag of fluids off the bed and onto the stand. She unplugs me from the heart monitor machine.

 

“Alright, so be careful not to bump into anything, or rip the IV out. Take it slow.”

 

“Thanks...”

 

She helps me up slowly. I grunt from the movement, but feel slight relief just standing up.

 

“So... is there anyway I can see him now?”

 

She looks at me confused for a second. “Oh your boyfriend. Give me a minute and I'll go ask the information desk. Could you give me his name?”

 

“Aoba Seragaki.”

 

She thanks me and leaves. I shuffle around the room waiting for her to come back. I look back up at the clock almost every ten seconds. About five minutes later she comes back with someone following her.

 

“This is Nancy. She's going to take you to him.”

 

“He's not conscious right now, but he's stable so you can go see him.”

 

I almost feel like throwing up just knowing he's alive. I start to follow Nancy down the hall and threw a few doors.

 

“So, I'm told you two are dating?”

 

“We want to get married, but we can't here.”

 

There's some time with awkward silence. But after an elevator ride and one more door, we're standing outside his room. I'm shaking. She opens the door to let me in.

 

“I'll let you two be alone, just be careful not to disturb him.”

 

I swallow and nod. The door closes behind me and I make my way over to his bed. I pull up a chair and sit by him. There are cuts all over his face and a brace around his neck. There's a cast on his left arm and his left leg. A tube was attached to his throat, probably to help him breath. The bandage around his head and over his eyes indicated that the bleeding had been pretty severe even with the stitches.

 

“Aoba...” I didn't notice I'd been crying. “My darling... you're alive... I'm so happy. I don't know what I would have... I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. I love you. I love you so much.”

 

He didn't respond. I don't mind though. The sound of his heart rate was enough for me. Just knowing that he's alive is enough for me. Just knowing I still have the most important thing in the world to me, that's enough. That's all I need right now.

 

\- - -

 

“How is he?” I was on a call with Aoba's grandmother and his friend.

 

“He's doing better, Granny.” I pull on my jacket. “I'm going to see him right now actually.”

 

“He should come back home. What if something like this happens again? What the hell were you doing? You should have been watching the damn road.” Aoba's friend was shouting in the background.

 

He'd only been notified of the accident the day I left the hospital. No one had ever made me feel worse than he did that day. But I couldn't argue, because he had every right to say what he did.

 

“Koujaku, calm down. He could very well get injured here as well.” The tone in the grandmother's voice was gentle but stern.

 

“I can pay for the two of you to come see him seeing as he can't travel at the moment.”

 

“Has he woken up yet?” She askes.

 

“No, but they're going to try today to see if he'll come to.”

 

“Alright, well I don't want to keep you. Please call me when you're finished at the hospital.”

 

“I will. Bye.”

 

I opted for calling a taxi. I can't bring myself to drive. After twenty minutes of silence in a small cab and I was back at the hospital. I pat the small box in my pocket as I walked into the building. I checked myself in at the front desk and headed up to his room. I stared at myself in the elevator mirror. Dark circles under my eyes, the stubble on my chin, my messy hair, and the scabbed over gash on my forehead.

 

“He'll definitely fall head over hells for me all over again,” I silently joke to myself. I hold my breath as I reach the floor he's on and slowly walk to his room. I take a deep breath. I hear someone talking as I open the door.

 

“Oh? Well, it looks like you have a visitor. One more thing before I go, if you need anything just press this button on the remote and a nurse will answer you. Alright, well I'll be going now so you guys can spend some time together.” The doctor walks past me giving me a quick smile and closes the door.

 

I walk closer to him. His face lights up with a smile. I almost collapse to the floor just seeing it. He gestures me to come over with a bandaged hand. I almost trip over myself as I come closer. The bandages on his head have been removed and I can see his hair has been shaved on one side. He writes something on a whiteboard and shows it to me.

 

_I look pretty punk don't I?_

 

I smile a little bit and nod. I take a seat by his bed.

 

“Can you talk?”

 

His smile falls as he looks at his lap and shakes his head. He writes on his board.

 

_Broken jaw. It's wired shut right now. And the accident crushed my windpipe._

 

“Will you ever be able to?”

 

_They say yes, but it'll be a while._

 

“I can't wait.” I lean over and lightly kiss his forehead avoiding any injuries. He rolls his eyes, but even through the bruises and smaller cuts I can tell he's blushing. “And what do you know, this time it's me seeing you in the hospital.”

 

A small smile creeps it's way back onto his face.

 

“So... I'm not very good at timing, and I know that we're already engaged, but we can't marry here. I want to make it official. And I mean more official than asking you to marry me while we're watching tv on the couch.” I pull the box out of my pocket and kneel on one knee. “Aoba Seragaki. Will you do me the honor of making me the happiest man to ever walk this earth?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated: 11/24/2015 A large chunk of information was left out. Sorry v.v But it's in there now~

I open my eyes. I'd fallen asleep here. I lift my face up off the cold ground.

 

“Aoba.” Ren calls my name. “You've been sleeping here for two hours.”

 

“What...? Why didn't you wake me up?”

 

“It didn't seem right to disturb you.”

 

“I had such a weird dream... Noiz was still alive... and he proposed to me again.” I lift my hand and look at the engagement ring. “I think he wanted us to go to America so we could get married. It was like I was him... We got into the car accident... it was like I was reliving the experience, but through his eyes. I wonder... if where the dream cut off is where he...”

 

\- - -

 

In the hospital he had gotten down on one knee and proposed to me. I was shocked. I could only nod my head. I couldn't get up on account of all the bandaging on my body, so he stood up to come to me. But once he did, he started to sway and suddenly collapsed onto the floor. My first instinct was to try and help him, but I only hurt myself doing so. I grabbed the remote and continuously pressed the nurse call button. Even though the nurse tried to talk to me, I kept pressing the button.

 

Eventually someone came. I couldn't explain what happened right away, and they took him. I wanted to see him, but the doctors refused. I asked every time someone came to check on me. I tried to ask if he was ok, and what happened, but I didn't get any answers. It wasn't until a few days later a doctor came to tell me.

 

“I'm sorry to inform you, your partner has passed away.”

 

All I could do was stare. I wanted to ask how, but he probably knew I wanted to anyway.

 

“He had internal bleeding in his brain.”

 

I did my best to write, why didn't they notice after the accident?

 

“Well, after massive trauma brain bleeds can happen after a less severe trauma, or just be delayed up to a few days. He probably didn't know, or a vessel just suddenly busted. We're thinking that he hit his head on the floor when he fell, which only made it worse... He did not survive surgery. We were transporting him to the E.R when he woke briefly. He told us to give this to you”

 

\- - -

 

“It was nice... the two of us together... again.” My throat is sore and my voice is hoarse. I twist the ring he left me on my finger. I look at the German word engraved into it. _Liebling._ I loved it when he called me that. “Oh god... I miss him. He's really gone. What am I gonna do? I still love him... I m-miss him. I miss him so much. I'm the one that should have died... I don't want to remember any of this...”

 

\- - -

 

“What the actual fuck.” I look at the dog while scrubbing vomit off the floor.

 

“I'm sorry.” Ren's ears droop.

 

“Yeah. I really wish I wouldn't come out only after he cries himself into an unconscious state.”

 

“Thank you for doing this.”

 

“Yeah well, if he dies I die too. So I don't really have a choice. Must be tough though. Having to go through the same thing everyday. His ability to repress things is fucking incredible. Like he just mind wipes himself. You need to find a way to tell him so this cycle doesn't continue.”

 

“I'm still trying. But so far everything has failed. I was hoping him finding out for himself would help, but I was wrong.”

 

“Well try harder dog.” I stretch as I get up. “I'm going to shower and make sure his clothes are clean, then I'm going to bed. Let's hope this time you can get him to stay.”

 

“Thank you, Sly.”

 

\- - -

 

I slowly open my eyes and sit up. I look to the side of me and see a note left on Noiz's pillow.

 

_'I didn't want to wake you up. You're so cute when you sleep. I'm going to work early. I love you, Aoba. See you later.'_

 

“Can't you just stay here until I wake up at least once? Geez...”

 

 


End file.
